Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
