just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
