I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
