i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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