I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
