he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
