he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
