before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
