the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
