On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
