Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You have to summon your inner elephant
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
