I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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