I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
