Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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