mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
