I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
