Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
