it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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