She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
