i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
