He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
