I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
