My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Who died my cat blue again?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
