and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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