broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
