A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
