We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
