I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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