i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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