you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
