Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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