sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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