sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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