Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
