not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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