As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
