You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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