There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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