You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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