Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
