Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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