To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
