like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
