I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
