coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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