Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
