There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
