Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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