i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
