I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
