So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
